| Delilah Night: Sweet and Spicy Stories

Failing at having sex

Posted on November 23, 2011 by Delilah Night

I’m feeling a sense of deja vu. I’m almost certain I’ve written this post before, after the LM was born. But what I’ve said before bears repeating…it is OKAY to “fail” at having sex.

Yesterday was my “six week” check-up, and I was thrilled to have been cleared for sex. Between being put on bed rest after having pre-term labor, and how lousy I’d been feeling prior to that, it had literally been MONTHS since I’d had penetrative sex. While I am a loud and enthusiastic supporter of alternative forms of intimacy between partners, it had been a while and I had a specific agenda for last night.

I may have talked a big game prior, texting my husband things things like how he should have a protein and carb rich lunch because I had high expectations for that night. But somehow between the errands and the parenting, while I did manage to shave my legs, I ran out of steam. I’m guessing that my (necessary, if I want chairs for our Thanksgiving party on Saturday) trip to IKEA was what tipped the balance into “far too tired” for me. For my husband’s part, while his enthusiasm got him home on the early side, he’d had a long day, too…coupled with hurting his foot.

We made an effort, but admitted that we were just too damn tired last night.

When you are a new parent (or a parent at all), there will be times when you want to have sex, you plan to have sex….and you don’t have sex.

Do not read too much into it. One failure (hell, 5 or 10 of them) doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It has changed (whether it’s your first kid or your 5th), and there are going to be bumps along the road.

When these failures occur, make a point of still being emotionally intimate with your partner and get some good cuddles in…even if you end up cuddling with a baby between you.

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Sasha Grey reads to children, and parents are pissed

Posted on November 21, 2011 by Delilah Night

This is a blog, among other things, about the cross sections of parenting and sexuality. Usually I’m thinking about maintaining your sexuality as a parent, or talking to your kids about sex.

But the two issues recently intersected in a whole new way when former adult actress Sasha Grey read to a group of third graders as part of the Read Across America project. She tweeted that the kids had been sweet. Parents flipped out to the point where the school district tried to denying it ever happened, despite photographic evidence to the contrary. Now they are saying they will “review” participants in the program more carefully.

Which leads me to think about why the parents were freaking out. You’d have to be familiar with her work to know she’s a former porn actress. Which, I would assume, would mean you watch porn.

It’s not like she was reading Penthouse Forum letters to the kids. Nor was she there on a career day to discuss what the pros of acting in porn. She didn’t spread her porn cooties. She was dressed in everyday clothes, not fetishwear.

Parents? Chill out.

She read a book to a group of kids, promoting literacy. It’s a GOOD thing.

They weren”t old enough to know anything about her. NOR would they have likely ever realized anything about her former career had it not become a major news item. So by making it an issue, you were able to inform all of them (a) what a porn movie is (b) what a porn star is (c) that they’d been read to by one AND (d) made it FAR more likely they’d google her works and be introduced to adult images.

In being so eager to slutshame, to throw stones, those eager to persecute her seem to have been the ones to highlight the very thing they didn’t want their kids to know.

Personally…if she wants to read to my kids…I’d love a break; I can only read “Pinkalicious” so many times before my head explodes.

Filed under: Parenting, Porn | Tagged: delilah night | Leave a comment »

Birth Control

Posted on November 18, 2011 by Delilah Night

I know a lot of pregnant women are shocked when asked about their post-baby birth control plans. Birth control hasn’t been a part of your life in a long time (depending on how hard-won your baby is, possibly in a VERY long time).

However, there is a term for people who don’t have a game plan about post-baby birth control–parents of another kid.

Yes, breastfeeding CAN suppress ovulation. Until six months or the FIRST time you go six hours between start of feed and start of feed. That suppression is not effective in 100% of women. You can’t rely on breastfeeding to be your birth control. Even if you’d like another child-there are many reasons to wait 18-24 months before getting pregnant–another pregnancy so soon will be very difficult on your body and raises your chances of problems during pregnancy and pre-term birth.

If you’re on the fence about what method you want to use or are interested in a new option, may I strongly encourage you to check out Planned Parenthood’s website on birth control?

Personally, I’m getting another Mirena

I have tried many forms of birth control over the years, and this is the easiest by far. Yes, it hurts to have it inserted, and it’s a good idea to plan to be home in bed that day (and possibly one more day). BUT, once it is in, you are clear for sex without any secondary measures (like condoms) and you are pregnancy-free for five years before you need to get it re-moved and new one inserted.

I don’t plan to have more children, but if you want another (as I did after the LM), you can just get it removed and fertility returns immediately. I got pregnant 2 months after my last Mirena was removed.

I am not being paid to shill for Mirena–this is a product I’ve used and that I like. I suck at the take a birth control pill every day, much less every day at the exact same time. The shot can cause issues with bone density. I didn’t like the ring. The patch irritated my skin and gave me a rash. Condoms are too easily forgotten in the heat of the moment. The copper IUD isn’t recommended for women who have bleeding disorders (as I do). Hence, Mirena is really my best option.

If we were in the US, I would likely be getting the Essure female sterilization procedure done, but no one in my current home country is licensed to perform it, so back to Mirena I go.

Filed under: Pregnancy, Reproductive Freedom | Tagged: delilah night | Leave a comment »

Co-sleeping is the new Voldemort

Posted on November 16, 2011 by Delilah Night

Parenting, at least in the US, is all about protecting your children from the 8 million and a half things that could kill them daily. At least if you believe the media coverage of parenting, which is always filled with DEADLY RECALLS and WHAT ARE YOUR CHILDREN SEEING/HEARING/EATING/etc…FILM AT 11.

I’m not an attachment parent per se, although I do practice some of the behaviors espoused by the philosophy, such as baby-wearing (ie, using slings) and more often than not co-sleeping. My parenting philosophy, such as it is, is best described as “whatever works.”

After the tragic death of a baby in a sling in the last year, suddenly slings are dangerous devices, and most slings come with safety warnings. One death and suddenly all kids are in mortal peril.

Co-sleeping is something that can be done well or dangerously. Outside of the US, in fact, co-sleeping is the norm. However, Milwaukee has a high SIDS rate, and rather than address issues like poverty, they’ve decided that poor people sleep with their children because they’re too poor to buy cribs and that’s why there is a high SIDS rate among certain (*cough*minority*coughcough*) populations.

They came out with a charming ad to scare parents into submission….

And hey–since you’re poor, we’ll give you a free pack n play!

As a mom who often co-sleeps (and often with both girls…the LM likes to climb into our bed in the middle of the night, and the BG is next to me in the bed itself or in a co-sleeper pushed against my side of the bed), I was very offended.

We need to talk about co-sleeping practices-what is safe, and what isn’t. How to do it well.

But in the US, rather than address a problem with subtlety, we’d rather ban it outright. See the recent ban on ALL drop-side cribs for proof (Yes, I own one, and I’m using it with the second child, too). I find this frustrating.

Dear friends–when parenting, read the recommendations, but use common sense and do what works for your family.

**This reminds me…I’ll need to talk about co-sleeping and sex at some point. It’s a valid concern, unlike the idea that my safe for co-sleeping bed is the equivalent of a butcher knife against my BG’s throat.

Filed under: Parenting, Sleep | Tagged: delilah night, Sleep | Leave a comment »

I had a C section-Why can’t I use tampons?

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Delilah Night

Here’s something I learned only a few weeks ago.

I’d been thinking about my c section and comparing it to the LM’s vaginal delivery. Obviously the two experiences are, overall, quite different, but one thing remained consistent–NO TAMPONS during the lochia bleeding post-delivery.

I understood what the risks were with tampons and vaginal delivery-the cervix had been opened, and there was an open wound where the placenta had been attached to the uterine wall-creating potential for infection. I also had torn during my delivery and had stitches in my vaginal wall, creating another spot vulnerable to infection.

But why couldn’t I use them now? Hadn’t I gotten cut open, completely bypassing that whole “cervix opened” issue?

I asked my OB, and it turns out that during the c-section, they open your cervix anyway, to help aid with the passing of the lochia. Internet research says that not all doctors do this, so it may be okay’ed your individual physician. However, it’s worth noting that you still have an open wound at the spot where your placenta connected to the uterus, and that it remains at high risk for an infection.

So, inconvenient, messy, and just kind of gross or not…best to use a pad after delivery for the few weeks that you’ll bleed. Once you’ve stopped and your “normal” period returns (which can take up to six months if you breastfeed), you’re welcome to return to other methods of blood collection like tampons/diva cups/what have you.

For the record, I’m not being paid to recommend these, but with this birth I used the loquaciously named “Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pads with Wings” and found that unlike after E where I put two pads (one front, one back, kind of overlapping in the middle) on, I had very little staining and only had to throw out one pair of panties. They’re easily found in the US, but I had to bring them back as I couldn’t find a product with equivalent coverage here in Singapore.

Filed under: Medical, Parenting, Reproductive Freedom | Tagged: delilah night | Leave a comment »

All Touched Out–The 4th Trimester

Posted on November 9, 2011 by Delilah Night

In the early weeks after your baby is born, you may feel like you never get five minutes alone. Or even just five minutes without someone touching you. If this isn’t your first child, you may feel this even more than you did the last time.

With the LM, I remember thinking I would never get to use my left arm again (her preferred resting place, leaving me to type one handed). This time around, as I am breastfeeding on demand, and the baby girl (also known as the breastfed girl–BG) only sleeps well when co-sleeping in my arm. On top of that, the LM has decided that coming into our bed every night between 3 and 6am is a great idea, and curls up in the circle of my other arm. And I have a husband who wants, and deserves to be touched (even if I’m not cleared for sex yet).

Readers, I have never wanted to touch or be touched less than I do right now.

My husband’s response to that, for the record, was “speak for yourself, woman.”

It is absolutely normal for there to be a mismatch of desire in these early baby days, with the primary caregiver feeling over-touched and the other partner feeling under-touched. You are at a stage in the relationship where you are balancing for the first time, or re-balancing your relationship with each other and your newly expanded family.

Suggestions

Even if you are breastfeeding, there is a 90 minute to 3 hour gap between start of feed and start of feed. In that period, someone else can hold the baby so you can go shower/watch an episode of your favorite show/sleep by yourself/ write a blog post/ fill in the blank. Consider encouraging your partner to be this person. Or a friend, or a family member, or hire a “mother’s helper” for $10 an hour to hold the baby while you get some alone time. If money is tight, consider finding another mom and trading off with her.

Distinguish between touches where you are the caregiver and when you are receiving care. Ask your partner (if you need it…I certainly do) to make his/her/their touches on your body to be about caregiving. That they are making you feel better when you touch, rather than asking things of you (such as an orgasm). From personal experience, I can testify that I’m far more open to satisfying a partner’s needs once mine have been attended to (and I’m not just talking orgasm…back rubs/scratches are my personal touch request).

Don’t let resentment build…be open with your partner(s) about what you’re feeling and try to find the solution that works for your family.

If all else fails, this stage will likely only last until about 13 weeks when your baby starts sleeping longer stretches, colic tends to fade, and in general life seems to get a bit easier.

Filed under: Parenting, Post-partum sexuality | Tagged: delilah night | Leave a comment »

Post Partum Sex–Vaginal Dryness

Posted on October 31, 2011 by Delilah Night

Post-partum vaginal dryness–almost universally experienced, almost never discussed.

Many women incorrectly attribute vaginal dryness, and the accompanying painful sex to a lack of desire for sex, or a lack of desire for their partner. For some women (especially first time moms), this begins a downward spiral that is easily coupled with lack of sleep, fragile self-esteem as a mom, and a change in self-perception (who am I now that I’m also someone’s mom?) where a sexual relationship with their partner becomes harder and harder to recover.

I’m here to prevent that from happening.

First of all, you’re as attracted to your partner as you ever were. Possibly more, if you’re feeling sentimental about creating new life with them. New, exhausting life that has you sleep deprived (also a libido killer), possibly suffering from Post Partum Depression (also a libido killer), and suffering from the kind of estrogen drop you won’t experience again until menopause. That’s right, an estrogen drop.

Estrogen is the number one hormone responsible for vaginal lubrication.

You are not experiencing vaginal dryness because of lack of desire for sex or for your partner…you are experiencing it because your body is producing very little estrogen.

Repeat this as often as you need to hear it.

How long will it last?

Vaginal dryness lasts anywhere from 3-12 months post-partum. It can depend on a variety of factors…breastfeeding tends to prolong it, for example. It is one of the tools evolution has come up with to prevent you from getting pregnant again too quickly (evolution has not caught up with modern day birth control methods…sorry).

What can I do about it?

Your best bet is to purchase water-based lubricant (available almost universally at grocery stores and pharmacies/drug stores, not just “adult” stores) and use it prior to sexual contact with your partner. If it is interfering with your pleasure during masturbation, try lube then as well.

A quick note–avoid silicon-based lubees as they can break down latex in condoms and sex toys.

Hopefully knowing that your lack of lubrication is not your fault, your partner’s fault, or unnatural in any way will help you on your journey back to sexuality post-partum.

Filed under: Parenting, Post-partum sexuality, Pregnancy | Tagged: delilah night | Leave a comment »

Baby Girl has arrived

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Delilah Night

Arriving 5 weeks ahead of schedule, the new baby has arrived.

I had a c-section after pre-eclampsia set in, and my blood pressure proved too high for a vaginal induction to be safe. Not the birth I had wanted or hoped for, but considering it resulted in a healthy mom and a healthy baby, I can accept that life is what happens when you make other plans.

Breastfeeding has begun and is going well, unlike my experiences with the LM.

Some upcoming topics on Delilah Night

Post birth sexuality prior to being cleared for intercourse
When your breasts become public property
The Madison Young breastfeeding photo brouhaha and how my new position as a breastfeeding mom is affecting my opinion
The differences between a C section and Vaginal birth and how each can affect post-birth sexuality

Filed under: Parenting, Pregnancy | Tagged: delilah night | Leave a comment »

Nauseau and Sexual Desire…First trimester woes…

Posted on April 7, 2011 by Delilah Night

I am somewhere around 8 weeks pregnant. I’m so nauseous that I’ve begun taking the prescription anti-nauseau drugs that kept me out of the hospital during my last pregnancy, when I threw up so much that I was dropping weight at an alarming rate and could keep nothing down. While these medications have kept the violent upchucking at bay, they can’t stop the nausea entirely.

Nausea versus desire is the intersection of my pregnancy and my sexuality, and there have recently been epic battles between the two.

On one hand, my nausea is such that sex, even masturbation, is not even remotely high on my list of priorities.

On the other, when my sex drive manages to get a toehold, the nausea can interfere with the successful pursuance and completion of that desire. Nothing says “ooh baby, ooh baby” like feeling your bile rise from the physical motion of intercourse.

Are there solutions? Yes and no…

First the bad news. I have no magic cure all that will restore your sex goddesshood without complication or interruption.

I *do* have some suggestions that have worked

Timing. If you need medical (ie prescription) aid, wait for that short window where meds have kicked in but have not yet begun to wane and whip out the toys/throw your partner down.
Manual manipulation/toys. If you can handle being manually manipulated, that can be a workable solution if the physical movements of intercourse are too nausea inducing for you.
Talking. Talking through fantasies with your partner…basically doing the verbal version of sexting or erotic im-ing. Walk through what you’d like to do, no matter how out of the realm of possibility it is for you in the moment. Connecting with your partner is what’s important.
Watch porn with your parnter–If you are comfortable with porn (and not everyone is) watching a dvd that appeals to both of you can be a great shared erotic experience.

Finally…perhaps the most pragmatic advice…this too, shall pass. Eventually.

Filed under: Pregnancy | Tagged: delilah night, pregnancy | Leave a comment »

Dating your pregnancy…why LMP isn’t terribly effective for many women

Posted on March 22, 2011 by Delilah Night

I’m in the midst of my own pregnancy dating quandry, so I thought I would share with you why dating your pregnancy is largely a useless excercise as measured by LMP (or last menstrual period).

LMP dating is based on the idea that a woman has a 28 day cycle and ovulates on day 14. Which might be true of some women (some of you must be the statistical average, right?), but is often not true of most of us. Some of us have shorter or longer cycles and many of us don’t have the perfect 14 days before you bleed ovulation.

There are, of course, ways to know when you ovulated.

You can do Basal Body Temping and keeping an eye on your cervical mucus You really need to do both methods as temp charting will only alert you to ovulation after it has occurred, which is impractical as you want to have having a lot of sex for the five days preceding ovulation.
You can use the pee-stick ovulation predictor kits These alert you to the hormone surge when you hit the luteal phase, giving you roughly 48 hours of notice (although not always 48..sometimes as little as 24)
You can keep track of your periods over time and get a sense of what your “normal” cycle is, and subtract 14 (imperfect, but close) and then target your get pregnant sex to 5 days prior and 2 days post that magic 14. (there are plenty of period apps if you have a smartphone, or you can just use a calendar).
If you keep an eye on the pattern of your sexual drive, you may also get an idea of when you actually ovulate, if you (like me) have a sex drive that correlates to your ovulation (again, use this in conjunction with a calendar or period app).

Obviously this works better for those of us who were trying to get pregnant, and were keeping track of their period.

My cycle is usually 35 days with ovulation likely occurring on day 21/22.

Of course, the period that I got pregnant with broke all the rules. I was on day 48/49 of my cycle before I got a damn positive…2 weeks later than I SHOULD have been able to get a positive. Looking at my sex drive and the frequency of our sex, I had already theorized that I ovulated later than normal.

I had guesstimated that I was 5 weeks pregnant last week, but my hormone levels and ultrasound results gave me some doubts that were further put into doubt this week. I showed progression, but progression that put me about a week behind my guess (as did last week’s results…giving me consistent positive progress, but not on pace with where I expected to be).

So how do you discover the baby’s “real” due date?

Early ultrasound is the best technique. Until the end of the first trimester, babies develop at a predictable rate of development, and dating is relatively easy. The problem is that we are talking about ridiculously small measurements, where a mistake can mean a dating error. It’s best to have 2-3 early dating ultrasounds that corroborate progress and infer your due date from that. Easily done in a country like Singapore, but not so in the US.

Why is dating so important? If you’re looking at a C, or a scheduled induction because of a complication like diabetes (we tend to experience placental breakdown post 40 weeks, making it dangerous for us to go over full term), you want to make certain that you’re not being induced too early (which could mean the baby’s lungs are not yet fully developed) or too late (if you have risk factors). The good news is that high risk women tend to get more ultrasounds under American insurance, which helps with dating.

If you’re low risk, it’s not a big deal to go a few weeks “late” (which you might not be).

So take that EDD (estimated due date) with a grain of salt. If you know your body, you may be able to better calculate your due date than any of those silly circles our OBs like to use.