• Join 554 other followers

  • Facebook

  • Twitter

  • Most Recent Posts

  • What I’m writing about

  • Archives

Guest Post: Sonni deSoto (Under the Mistletoe–Tugging Reins)

Have Yourself a Kinky, Little Christmas!

under-the-mistletoe

I love holiday stories. From The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to the corny Hallmark made-for-TV movies, nothing feels more like the season than when every story you see comes complete with jingle bells and snow. Every story seems filled to the brim with love and endless miracles. Those stories, sappy or corny or mushy as they are, seem to showcase the best of the world. In a culture obsessed with the grittiness of stories that tell you how it is, they are shining beacons of what could be.

And, I think particularly for kinky people, Christmas just lends itself to really fun encounters. From being obsessed with getting our hands on the latest, greatest toys to, as my story “Tugging Reins” explores, all the fun pervertable toys that can be made out of the many, omnipresent yuletide decorations, there’s just unlimited merriment to be had for a kinkster with a creative mind. From tinsel whips to jingling restraints, Christmas really knows how to dress-up a scene! I defy you read my story and look at an oversized candy cane decoration the same again. Can’t be done.

photo-21

This time of year makes everything feel wondrous and possible and can’t help but inspire the undeniably seasonal wish to get what you really want. So often, we’re afraid to ask for or go for the things we desire. We worry about what people will think or how it’ll change our lives or even fear that we don’t deserve our own desires. I wanted my characters, Chris and Danielle, to embrace their own personal Christmas miracle of turning what seems like impossible fantasy into a sexy-as-hell reality.

Especially, with BDSM, it often seems daunting to make our kinky dreams come true—we can’t all expect suave, broody billionaires under our trees. But there are definitely safe, sane, and consensual ways to explore hidden desires that feel possible and fun. When you’re just starting out, it can feel awkward trying to navigate a way into this world. There are so many rules and norms that people in the community just seem to know. Made worse by the fact that, outside the pages of books and in reality, the kink community tends to attract…well, the nerds of the world. The overthinkers and the often socially odd; how is it that so many of our fictional stories are executed flawlessly? We’re normal people; we make missteps and mistakes. We say the wrong thing and doubt ourselves. Yet our stories rarely get to explore the often awkward yet exciting learning curve; I wanted to give those highs and lows a voice.

And, even in this post-Fifty Shades world, I think there’s still the misconception that kink and heart-warming, Hallmark-esque romance can’t go together. I wanted to show that they definitely can. That, sure, BDSM can be broody and lush, but it can also be sweet and fun and quirky, even on a low-budget; after all, we call it play for a reason. I wanted to write a story that would take all that tinsel and bells and holiday cheer and invite my characters—and my readers—to, well, play.

Sonni deSoto

If you enjoy “Tugging Reins,” please check out my story “Make Me Believe,” which also features Chris and Danielle, in The First Annual Geeky Kink Anthology. To find more about my novels, anthologies, and general thoughts on all things romance, sex, and kink, please visit my website sonnidesoto.blogspot.com.

Thanks for reading and happy holidays!

 

Save

Guest Post: Lisabet Sarai–author of The Gazillionaire and the Virgin

Today’s guest post is by the lovely Lisabet Sarai, with whom I’ve shared pages in three Coming Together anthologies–For the Holidays, Keeping Warm, and Strange Shifters. She is a delightfully inventive reader (her six foot penguin in Strange Shifters is my favorite of the characters I’ve met in the Coming Together anthologies), who is here to talk about (and run a contest for) her new release: The Gazillionaire and the Virgin.

***

Teaser1

An Interview with Rachel Zelinsky

by Lisabet Sarai

I want to thank Delilah for hosting me today and giving me a chance to talk about my recently released BDSM erotic romance The Gazillionaire and the Virgin. In thinking about my post, I realized it’s pretty boring for an author to go on and on about how great her book is (even if that’s true ;^) ). So as an alternative, I decided to interview my heroine, Rachel Zelinsky. (I interviewed my hero, Theo Moore, over at Desiree Holt’s blog last Wednesday.)

After the interview, I have included the blurb and an exclusive, super-sexy excerpt. Because I do think it’s an amazing romance… and so far reviewers agree!

Rachel250
Lisabet Sarai:  Books on the craft of writing emphasize that every character should have a “defining characteristic”—some personality trait or tendency that governs the character’s behavior and choices. So what’s yours?

Rachel Zelinsky: That’s easy. Perseverance. When I set myself a goal, I don’t give up until I’ve achieved it. If I meet obstacles when pursuing one plan, I’ll try a different strategy. But to some extent, I simply won’t accept failure.

LS: Do you think this trait is responsible for your phenomenal success?

RZ: Partly. I would never have made it through MIT without being persistent, even stubborn. And Silicon Valley isn’t an easy environment for a woman, either. However, basic intelligence and a willingness to work hard are important too. Theo doesn’t have much respect for my wealth, but I can tell you, I earned my billions. I’ve paid my dues, and I think I have the right to enjoy the fruits of my labors.

LS: Speaking of Theo—it seems like you made an exception in his case. When you sought him out, it was for business reasons, but later, you gave up on your plans to use his AI technology in your online environment.

RZ: I didn’t “give up”. I changed my mind. I realized that Theo’s happiness and comfort were more important to me than my business goals.

LS: Also, it seems that you got a bit—um—distracted by your relationship with him.

RZ: Well—okay, I admit Theo’s dominance overwhelmed me. It was so unexpected. And yes, it can be hard to think rationally when Theo Moore is making love to you!

LS: Still, it seems the connection between you is more than just sex.

RZ: Much more! Honestly, I didn’t see how empty my life was, emotionally, until I met Theo. I’ve been so busy working toward external success, I’ve really neglected my heart. I love him so much it’s almost embarrassing.

LS: No reason to be embarrassed. You’re a romance heroine, after all.

RZ: But also the CEO of a multi-billion dollar technology company. We’re not allowed to have feelings. The business is supposed to come first. But now—well, Theo comes first. He’s my lover and my Master.

LS: That sounds like quite a conflict. How are you going to resolve these two opposing forces?

RZ: Don’t your craft treatises tell you that a novel needs conflict? Anyway, if readers want to discover how I handle this, they need to buy the book!

TheGazillionaireAndTheVirgin_400

The Gazillionaire and the Virgin Genre-busting BDSM Erotic Romance 240 pages, five flames

Trust can’t be bought—it has to be earned.

When Silicon Valley entrepreneur Rachel Zelinsky meets reclusive genius Theo Moore, she finds him strangely compelling. Theo is both arrogant and socially awkward, but he has an aura of power that speaks to Rachel’s carefully-hidden submissive side. Disturbed and aroused, she tries to focus on her original objective—a deal to incorporate his Artificial Intelligence software into her company’s popular virtual world. Rachel’s not a woman who lets pleasure interfere with business, but for some reason, she can’t resist Theo’s geeky appeal.

Theo Moore can’t be bought. His past battles with poverty make him deeply suspicious of the billionaire CEO. Still, with her voluptuous curves and brilliant mind, Rachel embodies his ultimate sexual fantasy. Too bad his knowledge about sex derives from extensive research and a stash of kinky porn rather than real-world experience.

That doesn’t bother Rachel, however. In his bed—in his arms—in his bonds—she discovers the bliss of total surrender. Rachel may be Theo’s first lover, but Theo is Rachel’s first true Master—and the first man to truly touch her heart. It seems that love may harmonize their differing goals and values, until Rachel’s unwitting violation of Theo’s trust threatens to tear them apart forever.

Exclusive X-Rated Excerpt

“Oh, God—oh—Rachel…That’s….oh!”

Still sucking, I nibble on his frenulum. His hands are fists on either side of his thighs.

“Stop, stop—I can’t hold on.”

I let his cock slide out of my mouth, trailing my tongue along the shaft as it leaves. “You want me to stop sucking you?”

“No—ah, yes—I mean, I think I’m going to come again…”

Swinging my leg over his hips, I let my pubic curls brush his cockhead.

“And that’s bad?”

“Oh…no…” His face looks panicked now, the pleasure smothered by some sort of fear. “But you—you’re supposed to go first.”

I spread my thighs and drop until I paint the tip of his cock with my juices, then snatch my pelvis away as he tries to push inside. I can’t help chuckling at his enthusiasm. I want him more than ever.

“Don’t worry about me, Theo. I fully intend to come. More than once, most likely.” I scan the neat bedroom. “Where do you keep your condoms? In the bedside table drawer?”

“Ah – what? Um—I—I don’t have any condoms.”

“Huh? Don’t you believe in safe sex?”

“I – uh – well…” His face turns scarlet with embarrassment.

“Good thing I’m always prepared.” With a huff of mock exasperation, I roll off the bed and pad into the living room to find my purse. I’m too turned on to really be angry. Besides, I’m already becoming accustomed to Theo’s strangeness. “Meanwhile,” I call over my shoulder, “you get out of that tux. No point in doing any more damage.”

Under the influence of my recent fantasies, I’d slipped a three-pack of Durex extra large into my bag before leaving to pick Theo up for the fund raiser. Not that I’d expected anything to happen between us, of course, but one never knows. Now, given his apparent virility, I wonder whether I’ll run out.

I extract the condoms from my clutch, then take advantage of the break to make a quick trip to the toilet. When I return to the bedroom, I find Theo naked on the bed, his rampant cock aimed at the ceiling. One hand grips that fat rod of flesh, sliding up and down with practiced precision. He has flung the other arm across his face, as if he can’t bear to watch.

My fantasies didn’t do him justice. He has one of those massive, powerful bodies that make you want to fall to your knees in worship. He doesn’t have the bulging biceps or rippling six-pack of an exercise nut, but his big hands, broad shoulders and lean thighs broadcast strength. As he jerks at his cock, I watch the tightening in his abdomen, the shifting of muscle under the pale skin of his arm. Aside from the black fuzz surrounding his cock, he’s mostly hairless.

Saliva pools in my mouth. I want to swallow that lovely cock once again, to torment him until he can’t help but spill his seed into my mouth. Later. Right now the hungry ache between my thighs takes precedence.

“Starting without me?”

He snatches his hand away from his penis with the startled, guilty look of a kid caught in the act. “Um – no – just thinking.”

I straddle him again, leaning forward to trail my rigid nipples across his smooth chest. On my hands and knees, I smile down on him. His bobbing cock streaks my belly with pre-cum and baby oil. “About me?”

His eyes meet mine, suddenly bold. “You know I am, Rachel. Don’t tease. I can’t stand much more.”  

Teaser2

Buy Links (Ebook and Print)

Special! For the next week (7-13 March), The Gazillionaire and the Virgin (ebook) is only 99 cents at most vendors! Don’t miss your chance to snag a copy at an 80% discount!

Amazon US
Amazon UK
Barnes & Noble
All Romance
Kobo
Smashwords
iTunes
Google Books
Excessica
Goodreads

About Lisabet

LISABET SARAI occasionally tackles other genres, but BDSM will always be her first love. Every one of her nine novels includes some element of power exchange, while her D/s short stories range from mildly kinky to intensely perverse.

You’ll find information and excerpts from all Lisabet’s books on her website, along with more than fifty free stories and lots more. At her blog Beyond Romance , she shares her philosophy and her news and hosts lots of other great authors. She’s also on Goodreads and finally, on Twitter.

Contest!

Leave me a comment with a question you’d like to ask Rachel. Please include your email address. I’ll have Rachel come by to answer—and I’ll also randomly choose one commenter to receive a free BDSM romance from my backlist, your choice of The Understudy or Challenge to Him.

Review: Alchemy XII February

Tamsin gives us boiling hot sex when Harry and Olivia’s relationship continues to evolve in this installment of Alchemy XII.

alchemy xii february

In my review of Alchemy XII: January I made a point of talking about how Olivia–a strong independent woman who came of age during third-wave feminism–struggles with submission.  In February, we see this struggle continue internally for Olivia and externally in and out of the bedroom with Harry.

We get a glimpse of Olivia’s life outside of erotica, and learn that Harry knows all about it–her twin, where she works, and more.  Harry even slips into a lecture and raises his hand to tell Professor Olivia Roux that her formula on the board is wrong.  Olivia is furious and points out that what he’s doing could be classified as stalking.  Harry shrugs and hands her an envelope with orders to be ready at midnight and to be dressed like a slut.

Olivia made a rash promise to Raf in the New Year’s Eve chapter (review here), and now she has to keep it–that she will submit to him.  Harry takes her to Master Blasters where Raf is waiting for them in a private room.  We already know that Raf washed out the training program, but we don’t know why.  The scene that follows gives us a hint of what might have gone wrong for Raf when Harry has to intervene.

unavailable

In the wake of her encounter with Raf, Olivia becomes torn between the ecstasy that pain can bring and her struggle with submission.  Her feminist principles are at war with what Harry has to offer her.

Man as drug. Dependency ensues.

This scares me because Harry isn’t even pretending to be my boyfriend. He’s got three other subs, whom he’s putting through the same training. Does he kiss them? Yes, of course he does. And fuck them? Presumably. These thoughts are making me cranky. I want to talk stuff through with someone. With Harry. But he’s not available to me and, even if he were, he controls where all our conversations go.

Oh, I like the pain but do I want to submit to him? Call my lover “Sir”? Interact from a kneeling position on the floor? Is becoming a sub the only way to fulfill my needs?

Today I don’t want to do this. Not the submission. Perhaps I could find myself a man who’s willing to give me what I need without being kowtowed to in exchange. That’s all. No more training or clubs or sub-bating. I’m going to duck out of the program and find another way.

I’ve made up my mind, so this will be my last diary entry.

Olivia wants to tell Harry that she is quitting in person.  She goes to the building where Alchemy is located, and is told that there is no such place there. The concierge denies knowing who Harry Lomax is.  So Olivia tries to send Harry a letter. It’s sent back “Not known at this address.”

She is fuming by the time a note arrives with her instructions for their February training session.  She doesn’t do any of the things she’s been ordered to, except to get into the car where Harry is waiting.  He distracts her with his particular brand of addictive kisses until they arrive at a small airport where a private jet awaits them.

private jet

I’m not sure I want to continue training with you.”

The words all spilled out in a rush.

Harry laughed. Laughter was the last thing I expected and my temper got the better of me. Without a moment’s thought of the consequences, I slapped him across his left cheek. Hard. Hard enough to show him the depth of my anger.

He put a hand up to his cheek but the smile never left his face.

“Jesus, I adore you, Liv,” he said. “Come on the plane and if you can convince me you want to leave, I’ll have pilot come back here straight away. But if I can convince you to stay, we’ll carry on and you’ll take your punishment for that slap.”

Will Olivia quit Alchemy or can Harry convince her to stay?  You’ll have to read Alchemy XII February to find out.

***

Alchemy XII is a serial written by Tamsin Flowers. Each chapter will release on the first day of the month.  February is available for pre-order on Amazon, or you can subscribe from Tamsin directly.

Those (sexy) Boys

It’s no secret that I’ve always had a special place in my heart for fictional men and women.  Jareth from Labyrinth was practically responsible for my sexual awakening–“Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”  Alanna from the Lioness Quartet.  Wesley Crusher from Trek Next Gen.  Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Daemon from the Jewels series.

And Sandy….

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 11.33.43 pm

I loved the novella “Those Girls” by Alison Tyler, and I fell especially hard for Sandy–bisexual, dominant, and sexy as hell.  When Alison said that there was a sequel coming out, I volunteered to be an advanced reader for “Those Boys.”

Why does Sandy do it for me so well?

There’s something about that word.  Hurt.  I could have said, “punish.”  I could have said, “spank.”  Nice, light-hearted BDSM terms.  But I didn’t want those, and neither did Rem.

Rem is such a pretty little peacock.  Sandy needs to muss him, to hurt him.  And for one night, he does.  Then Rem doesn’t come back…

You don’t walk away from that type of honest.  Not when it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.

…..

There had not been a word.  Not a phone call.  Was I losing my touch?

Seeing Sandy question himself is almost as erotic as when he exudes enough confidence to drown you.

I won’t spoil the ending–for that you need to read the book.

 

You guys know that Alison’s writing is some of my favorite erotica.  But even among her many books and characters, Sandy demands I sit up and pay attention.   Or bend over and beg for it.

What I really loved about “Those Boys” was getting a peek behind the Dom’s Dom exterior.  We learn that Sandy has submitted–to learn what it’s like to be the submissive…and that peek is so tantalizing.  I really hope that the next book in the series will give us even more of a peek under the skin.  And that it will be longer—Alison, can we please get a full length novel with Sandy?

 

“Those Boys” by Alison Tyler is published by Go Deeper Press.

Pregnant BDSM

  • First Published September 3, 2008
  • Edited October 20, 2010

This is an article I wrote to address an absence of information surrounding the topic of Pregnant BDSM.  I was approximately 8 weeks from finishing my first successful pregnancy, and when I choose to become pregnant again, I hope that I’m in a position to revise and edit this further.

This was an article that was challenging to write.  I am not an expert, nor am I pro domme, a doctor, a midwife, or anything other than a kinky woman who while pregnant wanted to safely continue practicing BDSM.  I searched the web for advice as to what was safe at which point in the pregnancy and found a vacuum, rather than solid advice.  Due to that dearth of information, I decided to present my findings and my experiences for public consumption.

I got my information through exhaustive querying of the internet, doctors, nurses, EMT’s, Kinksters who are also parents that I met at lifestyle events, pro-dommes, presenters at Dark Odyssey 2008 and Floating World 2008, and anyone who I thought might know anything about the topic.  I made a lot of people embarassed, but slowly I gained information, found practices that I felt safe engaging in, some new practices to try, and met a lot of cool people (and squicked a few people as well).

***************Disclaimer***********************

This is by no means a comprehensive discussion and you should do research on your own and discuss with your partner what boundaries and lines YOU are comfortable with.  I am not a medical professional, and I take no responsibility or liability for results of activities discussed herein.

Pregnant BDSM

***************Body Parts and BDSM*********************

Let’s begin with a quick review of the pregnant body and potential areas of risk/controversy…

Breasts

In pregnancy, your breasts often swell at least a single cup size, and often more than one due to the development of milk ducts.

There is a great deal of controversy about what you can do, should do, and should abstain from doing with regards to breasts and BDSM with during pregnancy.  I have heard that rope bondange and impact play can damage the developing ducts if done incorrectly, and that restricting blood flow because of tight rope bondage can affect your blood pressure.  I have also been told that the ducts are covered by enough fat that neither impact play nor bondage should actually rupture or injure a developing milk duct.  The second opinion was given more often than the first, but overall the opinions broke down 1/3 to about 2/3rd in favor of breast play being okay.

HOWEVER…and this is different for every woman….but….

My breasts were super sore almost from the second that the word positive flashed on my pregnancy test.  A soft caress was torture, and I didn’t want my husband ANYWHERE near them until almost the end of the first trimester.  You should think about how much your breasts can handle, and be aware that it will change throughout the pregnancy.

I found that my nipples were MUCH more sensitive, and while I was never a fan of nipple clamps prior to pregnancy, I can’t imagine using them at this point.  If you do use them, I’d suggest using a lighter touch and a shorter time limit (safety dictates about a 20 minute max under normal circumstances…I’d suggest no more than 5-10 for a pregnant woman).  As the second trimester progressed, the sensitivity has lessened a bit, but was still significantly higher for me than prior to my pregnancy.

Another thing to factor in when considering using nipple clamps is the colostrum factor…my breasts began discharging colostrum around the second trimester, but for some women this can start much earlier or later than that.  I would imagine, however, that the colostrum could make your nipples much more difficult to clamp, depending on the clamp, and might make them more slippery…and one of the most painful things I’ve ever had happen with nipple clamps is feeling one pop off.  You might want to use something like clothespins or metal clamps to get a better grip than something tipped in rubber that could slide off.

When it comes to bondage, I think that your level of experience should dictate how much you do it while pregnant as well as the tenderness of your breasts.  My partner and I are very much novices at rope bondage–in fact, a friend had only taught us a basic chest harness the weekend I conceived the Little Mistress and we found out about the pregnancy approximately 2 weeks later.  For us, it wasn’t a smart move to continue to play with rope bondage because we just weren’t experienced enough to make good judgment calls.  I think, however, if you’ve been doing it for long enough that you feel confident making judgment calls about how tightly you’re binding the breasts, then you are probably fine to decide for yourself on this.

As for impact play, I decided that erring on the side of caution made sense for us.  We are effectively still novices at BDSM and with the sensitivity factored in, it just didn’t seem like a safe area to play with.

Belly

Your belly obviously undergoes the majority of the physical changes when pregnant.  Your muscles stretch as the baby grows.  Your stomach and other organs are shifted up to make way for the growing uterus, so not everything is where it normally is.  See below….

Belly during pregnancy

During the third trimester, the stomach muscles even split apart to allow for the final development of the fetus.

Corsets should not be worn during pregnancy, unless you are wearing a maternity corset that does not constrict your abdomen.  It is interesting to note that post-partum is one of the few times when a training corset can actually reshape your rib cage to help create the desirable hourglass shape.  This is because your rib cage needs to return to it’s original place after opening up a bit in the third trimester…and you can convince it to become smaller.

I’m not entirely clear as to the safety of over-bust corsets when you’re nursing.  I do know that you’re not supposed to wear under wire bras because they can cause plugged ducts and mastitis.  I imagine that the boning in corsets could be equally problematic.  I am, however, planning to occasionally use my under-bust corset while nursing.  Just info for you to know. (Edited to add–I did not, as it happens, wear my under-bust corset often as my milk stained the silk and created a very expensive dry cleaning bill for us the few times I did…the corset became a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION piece while I was lactating).

Impact play is not something you probably ever want to engage in with the stomach.  However, this article talks about the issues surrounding impact during pregnancy.  Basically, the harder you’re hit, the more you’re risking a placental abruption, which could mean early delivery and possible death the fetus.  Don’t do it.  Period.  There was full consensus on this one.

Rope Bondage in pregnancy was a bit more tricky.  I was told by a midwife not to do it because it could/would cut off flow to the fetus.  I was, however, told by an EMT that it’s all about knot placement and just not to do it too tightly.  There was also at least one or two presenters at DO/FW who said they didn’t think it was harmful.

Again, I’m going to say that you’re going to have to make your own call, and you should largely make it upon careful reflection of your skill level.  I would strongly caution you to put fishing line behind at least one rope so that in an emergency you can tug on the fishing line and cut through the bondage rope.  Keep your scissors handy.  In this case, my decision to avoid rope bondage was a combination of inexperience, and that I took the advice of the midwife as being the most expert in this particular area.

When topping, just be careful that you don’t smack yourself in the belly on your swing or follow through.

Inner Thighs

I was told by the same midwife cited in the last section that the inner legs, especially the inner thighs were called “the valley of clots” and that impact there during pregnancy could cause a clot to break loose and cause serious damage to the mother.  I will say that I haven’t found a lot of data to support this, except an article here about pregnancy massage that notes about halfway down that

“During pregnancy, the veins that might harbor these thromboemboli or deep vein thrombosis (DVT) are the iliac, femoral and saphenous veins of the inner thigh.”

I was told by the EMT cited in the breast section that biting is fine and poses no risk, but he was the only person to bring up biting.  I met him working as a Dungeon Monitor at FW, so I would assume that he is correct.

Personally, I don’t go in for a lot of play on my inner thighs as they’re ticklish so I can’t speak to this.

The Back

Guess what?  Nothing happens to your back during pregnancy.  Have fun!

Well, not quite nothing…after week 16 or so of your pregnancy, you are not allowed to lay on your back because the weight of your uterus will slow blood flood through the aorta and the vena cava, which takes blood to and from your uterus.  This is a general rule of pregnancy and does not just apply to sex/BDSM.

However, the back is where the majority of our impact play has gone.  It is one of the few areas with no warnings, contradictions, or changes from what is considered safe on a regular basis.  Unlike your organs in the front, your kidneys do not change position, so as long as you knew where they were in the first place, your information is still correct and stay the hell away from them as always.

We chose not to continue to use floggers on me during pregnancy because my partner was working on his aim and I was concerned about wrapping.  He did not have the skill level, although I was open to other partners potentially using floggers and would be open to it during future pregnancies, once my partner has proven aim.

It’s hard to go flying into sub space when you’re focused on how safely your partner’s blows are landing or don’t completely trust their aim.

I would, however, encourage people to continue to use floggers, canes, whips, sensation toys or whatever you currently play with on the back.  I wouldn’t necessarily start using whips or floggers during pregnancy if you haven’t used them before, but as we found out, starting to cane during pregnancy is perfectly safe, especially once you’ve done a few educational sessions (hit there, that’s a bit low, etc).  (Edited to add–In fact, canes have become our favored impact instrument, and there are many options for various sensations…thin, wide, bundled…I strongly encourage anyone who likes that sort of impact play to invest in some good canes for the pregnancy.)

The Ass

Controversy reigns once more.  I have been told the ass is totally safe to wail on, and I have been told it’s totally unsafe.  I’ve been told just to stay away from the crack because of the location of the coccyx (tailbone) and that motion/force would travel though and impact on the uterus.  I’ve been told that the lower cheeks are the only completely safe place to hit a pregnant woman.

Personally, I have no clue when it comes to impact.  We generally played it safe and chose to restrict impact on the ass to hands and moderate impact.

I will say that a big consideration would be what you’re leaning over.  Obviously you want to stay away from any and all furniture that requires you bend over or brace yourself against a hard surface.  Even if being spanked really hard with a hand/paddle/whatever is totally safe, the reaction to the impact (your hand hits my ass, my hips move forward a bit from the force of the impact) is to slam your belly against the solid object, which is NOT SAFE.  If you are going to be bent over, I encourage you to go into “doggy style” position or to lean over a stack of pillows.  You can make your own judgment call about your partner’s lap. (Edited to add…this is one of those things that will be different in each trimester…in my third trimester, doggy over a few pillows was the only comfortable position to accept a spanking)

The Feet

Interestingly, there are pressure points in your feet that can cause you to go into labor.  I have been told by anyone who knows anything about massage, including two massage therapists that you should NEVER rub the bottom of a pregnant woman’s foot.  If you are a professional massage therapist who specializes in pregnant foot massage, maybe you know the specific point to avoid, but for the rest of us, stay away.

I don’t know that caning feet is out, as it seems to be a problem with massaging a specific pressure point that could induce labor, but it’s not my kink.  Tickling is fine, as is sucking and general light touch.  I have gotten a light massage on the tops of my feet and my Achilles tendons which felt nice, and might make for good service bottoming to a pregnant top.

I advise against wearing heels for extended periods during pregnancy, especially if you’re about to engage in a long scene.  I found going barefoot or wearing comfortable flats (I admit it….I switched to flip flops after I’d blindfolded my submissive while topping and when I bottomed we made it a point of humiliation to get into flip flops so that I could feel comfortable and appropriately submissive)  made for a much more enjoyable experience.  Another issue with heels during pregnancy is that they put strain on your low back.  Not that this isn’t always true, but remember, the growing baby is already doing a number on your low back and the relaxin that is coursing through your body is softening and loosening the ligaments in your low back and they can be strained or injured much more easily.  Heels aren’t a total no-no, but they should be worn for shorter periods of time only.  Fetish heels are much higher than normal heels and thus the impact is also more severe.

Upper arms

Again, nothing happens here during pregnancy.  If you’ve done impact play on your biceps before, or even if you haven’t, it’s a great place  to do so during pregnancy.  Make sure you know how to throw a safe punch (so you don’t damage your thumb) before you do so.  I’ve always found it pleasurable to get sensation and impact here.

The Face

There aren’t any major changes that happen to your face (perhaps water retention).  If you’ve done light slapping or whathaveyou before, it is still safe to do so.  If you haven’t, it might be another good thing to try.

*************Emotional Issues*************

I believe a specific concern with BDSM during pregnancy is that as a pregnant woman, your emotional state is almost constantly in flux.  Even if you (like me) are a woman who generally enjoyed verbal humiliation (being called a slut, a whore, whatever) pre-pregnancy, this is not a guarantee that you will continue to do so.  I personally experienced moments when my partner called me a slut and I almost began crying, wondering why he was being so mean to me.

It’s hard to predict when a change will occur.  You need to have iron clad safe words and signals that will stop a scene dead if an emotional change does occur and the pregnant woman no longer feels safe.  While I think this is more of an issue as a bottom, I can see how a top could go through an emotional shift and suddenly want to cry at the idea of calling her submissive names or want to put down the flogger.  It has to be clear to her that it is 100% OKAY if this happens.

Aftercare also becomes a bigger deal when you’re pregnant, or at least it did in my case.  I needed the extra reassurance that I had done well, that I was loved and cherished (especially when I had consented to verbal humiliation within the scene), and that I had to be brought back to myself even more cautiously and carefully than before.

Your sex drive will most likely change and there is NO way to predict how it’s going to change.  I had a LOT of issues early on, which made my sex drive tank.  These problems included early bleeding, for which I was put on pelvic rest (nothing in the vagina), and bleeding every time I orgasmed (which made me scared of sex).  Once I got over the fear (basically once I’d finished the first trimester and was no longer terrified I was about to miscarry for the second time in a row) and finally stopped bleeding, I also suffered from some of the worst pregnancy nausea and vomiting known to woman-kind.  I lost 10 lbs in 5 weeks.  It took anti-nausea meds and time to help me get to a point where sex was even remotely interesting again on a regular basis.  Nothing kills the mood like having to say “get off me, I need to throw up” (unless you’re into that, in which case, I was your dream partner when I was pregnant).

You may have a harder time maintaining the mood.  Many women, including myself, can be sucked out of the mood by a well placed kick, a bout of heartburn (nothing says sexy like throwing up in your mouth a little) or the awkward positions you may have to assume to have intercourse.  My partner and I personally recommend  Nina Hartley’s Guide to Pregnant Sex DVD.  It helps in terms of suggested positions that will be less awkward during the later stages of pregnancy as well as giving a visual demonstration of perineal massage (helpful to keep you from tearing during delivery).

Blood flow increases dramatically during pregnancy and you may find that orgasm is either easier or harder to achieve.  I often find myself shrieking at my husband to touch me more softly on the clit because it was so sensitive.  Often, it’s difficult to achieve orgasm through anything other than a vibrator under my control because it’s too easy to reach the pain point where you know orgasm is never going to happen through touch.

*****************Types of Play and Options********************

This is a tricky and by no means comprehensive list of topics.  I don’t engage in many types of play (blood play particularly comes to mind) so I can only speak to my experiences.

Topping

As a switch, most of my fears surrounding pregnancy and BDSM were as a bottom.  Thus I spent the first six or so months of pregnancy exclusively topping.  If you are a bottom, this may be a good time to play with topping.  You feel more in control, you are selecting the toys, and you are the one who is in charge of running the scene.  One of the biggest issues I’ve faced as a pregnant woman is a loss of control of my body…topping was great in that it gave me the illusion of control (and some amount of real control).

However, when you top, you do need to disclose your condition if you’re playing with someone who isn’t your partner.  You need to talk about what limits you might have, such as not using a violet wand on someone (more about electricity play in a minute).  You need to explain that your emotional state may cause you to stop a scene, and you’ll want to arrange a specific phrase that says you’re about to shut a scene down.

Bottoming

Bottoming requires a MUCH more in depth discussion, especially if you’re about to submit to someone new.  I personally chose to not submit to anyone but my husband during my pregnancy.  It was disappointing at times, and there were people who made it clear that they would enjoy topping me whom I would normally have consented to playing with, but the thing is that no one was as invested in the little girl growing inside me as myself and my partner.  Thus, he was the only one I felt comfortable submitting to.  Remind yourself that it is OKAY to be uber choosy about who you submit to while pregnant.

You need to talk about your body, and what YOUR limits are as a submissive.  You need to go over your body parts like I did in the section above and explain what can and can not be done to your body (depending on what YOU are comfortable with and how knowledgeable the top in question is).  You need to have a phrase/safe-word that stops the scene cold.  Explain your needs regarding aftercare as well.

Electricity Play

Don’t do it.  I’m not kidding.  Violet Wands are out.  My physical therapist won’t even do electro-stim on my back because there’s enough of a risk that it could send the uterus into contractions that even when it could provide medical benefit, it was too risky.  Everyone is in strict consensus on this one–stay the hell away from electricity play.

Hot Tubs/Hot Water

This is actually in all the pregnancy books.  You need to avoid submerging your body in hot water, and raising your internal temperature over 101 degrees maximum.  In early pregnancy it can cause death to the fetus, and throughout the pregnancy it can cause harm.  Running a fever of 101 or higher is cause to call your OB right away, so hot baths and especially hot tubs are out.  It’s depressing…believe me, I know, but it’s for the little one’s safety.

Pet Play

This was the only way that I felt comfortable submitting for quite some time.  I invented a pet persona, Kitty, who was a cherished pet kitten of my husband.  I wasn’t allowed to be verbal except for meows (which I can do tonally to express a variety of feelings) which made me submissive.  There was a cue if I did need to communicate in words, which is a necessity especially when you are pregnant and a position becomes uncomfortable (such as being on all fours, which made my belly hurt after a while…an increasingly shorter time the heavier my daughter got).  Being a cherished pet keeps you in the submissive role, but doesn’t bring any of potential issues that impact play or bondage do.

Bondage

I found this article on pregnant bondage.  It’s worth reading in addition to my comments on bondage with regards to specific body parts above.  There’s also this DVD…not instructional, but if you love bondage and don’t want to do it yourself, you can at least watch it being done.  I haven’t viewed it, but it came up on several google searches.

Something worth contemplating, especially in the later stages of pregnancy is that you probably want to avoid doing rope bondage that limits your mobility for one simple reason–the frequent and irresistible need to pee.  Unfortunately, should the baby decide to hang out on your bladder you will go from zero to sixty in very little time.  After around 20/24 weeks or so, all the kegeling in the world won’t stop you from having an accident.  And you probably don’t want to cut through expensive pretty fetish rope, do you?  Think about doing more decorative bondage as opposed to mobility related bondage.

It bears repeating that you can’t be on your back after 16 weeks of pregnancy, even on a soft bed.  Do not consent/ask a pregnant woman to lay on her back and get tied down.

I don’t know enough about suspension play to give any advice on this topic, but I would guess that it is most likely less safe during pregnancy and you should research it further if you wish to continue to play with suspension.

Impact Play

Like I noted above, you need to take each body part and your/your play partner’s competence into account.  Make the right judgment calls for you.

Fetish Furniture

I’m basically lumping crosses, spanking benches, etc all into one category.  My advice is to be aware of your stomach at all times.  I chose not to be tied to a cross when submitting because I found it much safer to brace my body about six inches off the cross so that I kept it safe at all times.  You don’t ever want to be in a position where a blow would send your stomach into impact with a hard object.

Additionally, remember that after 16 or so weeks you should never be laying flat on your back.  Laying on your back slows blood flow in the vena cava and the aorta which slows blood flow to and from your uterus.  This is a rule in general and not just about sex and BDSM.

Fetish Clothing

As I noted above, corsets should be avoided during pregnancy.  There are pregnancy corsets, but I don’t see the value in spending a ton of money to wear something for such a short period of time.  I know it hurts…remember I went to two sex conventions and had to leave my pretty corsets behind…but it’s for the best.

As noted above again, heels are to be avoided or worn for short periods of time only.

Tight clothing is going to be problematic, and often painful if it’s near your belly.  If it doesn’t breathe or have give, it shouldn’t be near your belly.  You can do all sorts of tight things like vinyl/rubber gloves, tops and skirts if you wear them low enough.

You’re going to have to get creative because your body is changing and it may not go back to normal.  Some women gain a shoe size during pregnancy, so I’d advise against buying cute mistress boots during pregnancy (or do what I did and go a 1/2 size larger if they are the cutest shoes you’ve ever seen and you MUST have them).

I found that things that were see through and mesh or involved elastic waistbands worked best.  Something to consider.  You can also do the exceptionally slutty schoolgirl look.

*******************Medical Stuff*********************

Your OB Needs to Know

This is an uncomfortable conversation.  I’ve had it with two OB’s in the past year.  But they need to know if you are not monogamous (more extensive STD testing and more frequent STD testing than a monogamous woman), and if you are into the scene, especially if you’re going to show up from time to time with bruises.  You may want to try find a doctor on Kink Aware Professionals (an NSCF site) but you may not be able to find an OB there (I wasn’t and I live near a major US city with a TON of hospitals).  You’re going to have to be comfortable doing some education on the topic and possibly interviewing several OB’s or Midwives to find one who is comfortable dealing with a practitioner of BDSM.

In my case, my doctor was a bit thrown, but basically asked me to be careful and said that if I had questions she could try to find answers, but was honest and did not know anything about BDSM.  She asked me once or twice if I was being abused and when I assured her that I am not a victim of domestic abuse, she dropped it and we haven’t spoken of it since roughly 16 weeks of pregnancy.  Not every OB may have this opinion, however, so be prepared.

When to call the doctor/go to the hospital…When things go wrong

You need to know what signs of something wrong are…

1-Clear fluid leaking from your vagina that is not urine and not cum.  I had an embarrassing incident where mid-sex I basically peed on my partner.  However, because of cum and other liquid, I couldn’t quite figure out what the liquid was.  I called the OB’s office and they told me to do the following–wipe, put on a pad and lay down for 1 hour.  If I soaked through a pad in an hour to come in immediately because it was likely premature rupture of membranes.  I didn’t, and we concluded that his weight probably just pressed down on my bladder, causing me to have an accident.  If you see clear liquid and can’t identify it, call your OB right away.

2-Blood.  If you are seeing blood, you need to call your OB.  It could be a sign of miscarriage, a UTI infection, or something totally different.  It depends on where you are in your pregnancy.  In my first pregnancy, it meant I was miscarrying.  In my second, it was because my placenta had some trouble implanting and some blood had pooled in my uterus–every time I orgasmed, some came out.  There’s NO WAY of telling, and you need to talk to the doctor ASAP.

3-Contractions.  If you are feeling contractions, you need to talk to your doctor.  If you are before week 36, and feel more than 4 in an hour (or whatever guidelines your doctor may give you) it’s a warning sign and you want to get into the hospital before you go into active labor…they can stop it most of the time.

4-Dizziness or Faintness–could be a warning sign of many things.  Call your doctor.

5-Decreased Fetal Movement-after 28 weeks, you should be doing regular kick counts.  If your baby is showing decreased fetal movements, do not wait several days to call your doctor.  Call them immediately.

In the end, it is much better to be the worried pregnant lady than to be the lady who loses a baby because she didn’t call the doctor.

**************Final Thoughts***************************

This has been a lengthy but not comprehensive look at pregnancy and BDSM.  If you are someone who has engaged in BDSM while pregnant, please add your experiences to the comments and I’ll string them together into a follow up post.  If you are a doctor or other medical professional and have additional information, please do the same.  If you want to share information, but do not want to be identified publicly email me at the link in the right hand column and I’ll post it for you anonymously.  Please just identify where your info is coming from in your email.

If you have specific questions that I haven’t addressed, please email them to me directly or post them as comments.  I have several contacts I can email and am happy to do research.  If I can’t find an answer, I at least promise not to bullshit you and will confess that I don’t know/couldn’t find you an answer.

Sex during pregnancy can be fun, and pregnancy is not a reason to stop being kinky.  You need to be informed, make the judgment calls that are right for you, and be open to the idea that your limits and boundaries are going to be shifting.  Communication with your lover(s) is key during this time especially.

I hope that I’ve been somewhat informative, and that this helps at least one pregnant and scared horny pervert.  I’ve tried to write the article I wish I had found as a newly pregnant woman who wanted to play but had no clue what I could and couldn’t do.