I almost lost everything

I wish that this update would be a breezy account of the next rewrite of Siem Reap. It’s not.  Warning, medical stuff ahead, some of it scary but nothing graphic.

The weekend of Easter, I ended up in the hospital with a nasty kidney infection. The next morning I had surgery, but contracted sepsis (when your blood becomes infection) and within 24 hours had gone into septic shock. I spent several days in the Intensive Care Unit, during which I slipped in and out of lucidity. I hallucinated. It was hellish, but once I was stabilized I was moved back to a regular room to have further tests and to get a course of IV antibiotics.


There have been many terrifying things about this experience, and it would take me hours to unpack all of the physical and emotional consequences for me and our family.

When I was finally stabilized, the first thing I wanted to do was write. But my coordination was so off that this was all I could write…

Kujw na=—==U;cw ffh sick beofel evfgoe osel o ehn I cane wigh seupiscffeated by uti,

You can make out a few words, but it’s mostly gibberish.  At the time, I started sobbing because I didn’t know if I would get better and write again, or if this condition would rob me of that. My elder daughter had a bout of septic shock at a very young age and she lost a kidney among other complications, so my fear was not unfounded.

As my health improved, so did my coordination, and I can now type/write again. When I made my first successful text, I almost wept.  Any writer can tell you that there’s not much money to be made in erotica, but that we write not for the money but because we can’t not write.  Writing is as critical as breathing for me, and the time I’ve spent without writing feels empty.


Today is day 12 in the hospital and I’m a bit stir crazy.  I have a private room, but I spend easily 23 hours a day here.  I leave to go on walks, but the farthest I can walk is a lap around the floor.  I tried to go down to the first floor drug store, and was shaking and nauseous by the time I paid; I needed a wheelchair to get back to my room.

I’m lucky–I’m poised to make a complete recovery, although I’m quite weak now.  It will take time to gain stamina back (the gym is definitely a no-no for now), but I’ll be okay.  I’m in the process of seeking out a mental health professional to deal with the other side effect of septic shock–I have a bit of PTSD and will break down randomly.  That’s improving each day, too, as I move further from the event, but both my husband and I will carry the scars of this event.  I’m glad my littles are too young to really understand or remember almost losing their mom.

I could have lost everything.

I figure I have two options–be terrified of everything and wrap myself in bubble wrap or take away the lesson that life can be cut short without warning by something as simple as a kidney stone and to live it without worrying so much.

I worry about everything.  I want to make a good impression, I want people to like me.  I dress and wear my hair in a respectable mom style. But I’d rather streak my hair blue and wear a Harry Potter or something shirt.  To embrace my geeky side without fear.

I’m going to take a page from RuPaul’s book and make this my new mantra

What other people think about me is none of my business—RuPaul




4 Responses

  1. So happy to hear that you’re returning to health, albeit slowly. And my advice? Go for the blue hair and do whatever makes you feel great!!! But, first, just take things easy and nurture yourself for a while… xoxoxox

  2. *big, BIG hugs* I am glad you’re slowly improving – and so glad you’re able to write! I’ve been thinking of you.

    xx Dee

  3. Glad you’re on the mend! You’ve definitely been in my thoughts the last couple weeks. Big hugs & love being sent your way!

  4. oh dear…so glad you’re better now and love what you wrote here.

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