Delilah Night

I’m feeling a sense of deja vu.  I’m almost certain I’ve written this post before, after the LM was born.  But what I’ve said before bears repeating…it is OKAY to “fail” at having sex.

Yesterday was my “six week” check-up, and I was thrilled to have been cleared for sex.  Between being put on bed rest after having pre-term labor, and how lousy I’d been feeling prior to that, it had literally been MONTHS since I’d had penetrative sex.  While I am a loud and enthusiastic supporter of alternative forms of intimacy between partners, it had been a while and I had a specific agenda for last night.

I may have talked a big game prior, texting my husband things things like how he should have a protein and carb rich lunch because I had high expectations for that night.  But somehow between the errands and the parenting, while I did manage to shave my legs, I ran out of steam.  I’m guessing that my (necessary, if I want chairs for our Thanksgiving party on Saturday) trip to IKEA was what tipped the balance into “far too tired” for me.  For my husband’s part, while his enthusiasm got him home on the early side, he’d had a long day, too…coupled with hurting his foot.

We made an effort, but admitted that we were just too damn tired last night.

When you are a new parent (or a parent at all), there will be times when you want to have sex, you plan to have sex….and you don’t have sex.

Do not read too much into it.  One failure (hell, 5 or 10 of them) doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.  It has changed (whether it’s your first kid or your 5th), and there are going to be bumps along the road.

When these failures occur, make a point of still being emotionally intimate with your partner and get some good cuddles in…even if you end up cuddling with a baby between you.

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In the early weeks after your baby is born, you may feel like you never get five minutes alone.  Or even just five minutes without someone touching you.  If this isn’t your first child, you may feel this even more than you did the last time.

With the LM, I remember thinking I would never get to use my left arm again (her preferred resting place, leaving me to type one handed).  This time around, as I am breastfeeding on demand, and the baby girl (also known as the breastfed girl–BG) only sleeps well when co-sleeping in my arm.  On top of that, the LM has decided that coming into our bed every night between 3 and 6am is a great idea, and curls up in the circle of my other arm.  And I have a husband who wants, and deserves to be touched (even if I’m not cleared for sex yet).

Readers, I have never wanted to touch or be touched less than I do right now.

My husband’s response to that, for the record, was “speak for yourself, woman.”

It is absolutely normal for there to be a mismatch of desire in these early baby days, with the primary caregiver feeling over-touched and the other partner feeling under-touched.  You are at a stage in the relationship where you are balancing for the first time, or re-balancing your relationship with each other and your newly expanded family.

Suggestions

Even if you are breastfeeding, there is a 90 minute to 3 hour gap between start of feed and start of feed.  In that period, someone else can hold the baby so you can go shower/watch an episode of your favorite show/sleep by yourself/ write a blog post/ fill in the blank.  Consider encouraging  your partner to be this person.  Or a friend, or a family member, or hire a “mother’s helper” for $10 an hour to hold the baby while you get some alone time.  If money is tight, consider finding another mom and trading off with her.

Distinguish between touches where you are the caregiver and when you are receiving care.  Ask your partner (if you need it…I certainly do) to make his/her/their touches on your body to be about caregiving.  That they are making you feel better when you touch, rather than asking things of you (such as an orgasm).  From personal experience, I can testify that I’m far more open to satisfying a partner’s needs once mine have been attended to (and I’m not just talking orgasm…back rubs/scratches are my personal touch request).

Don’t let resentment build…be open with your partner(s) about what you’re feeling and try to find the solution that works for your family.

If all else fails, this stage will likely only last until about 13 weeks when your baby starts sleeping longer stretches, colic tends to fade, and in general life seems to get a bit easier.

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